So I moved back to my city after 7 years where my family lives.
It’s been 2 years but I never really enjoyed people here. Mostly people I met were from my previous circles, family, school friends and their partners.
I always thought something was off and maybe over time I will figure things out but it was just not happening.
Yesterday I went to dinner with my partners friends and damn it was whole different vibe. As if it’s a different culture. I really enjoyed talking and was genuinely interested in next meeting.
Resparked my joy in meeting people and I guess I was with wrong people and there are people who are out there who vibe match with me but it’s so hard to find them.
There’s a reason so many people who suffer from chronic loneliness are told to first join some kind of socially-integrated hobby, activity, or group: Doing something you already enjoy, in the company of other people who enjoy the same thing, is likely to bring you people you are more likely to vibe with.
One of the best possible ways to start actually finding people you enjoy being around is to go to activities that involve people with a similar set of interests to you. For example, if I go to my local hackerspaces/makerspaces, I’m going to find a fuck ton of people who are interested in the same technology as me, and that means I’m probably gonna find people that have similar interests overall.
The main problem is that with the major reduction in third places, and with things becoming more and more costly to do, (e.g. my nearest makerspace costs over $100/mo to be a part of) it’s hard to actually get into those social circles where you can meet people that you’ll actually like being around.
I remember reading somewhere that you should combine this (doing an activity) with wearing something that signals another interest. The idea is that you’ll potentially find people where you already have 2 common interests. For example, going to this hackerspace with a concert t-shirt for one of your favourite bands. And lastly, if you want a deeper connection, you can’t be afraid to be vulnerable.
just because people like the same shit that you do doesn’t mean they want to be your friend or you will have any deeper connection than them than the superficial interests involved.
what people are lacking is deep relationships. like emotional connections. not just enjoying being nerdy together. i have been involved in tons of nerdy groups and it never goes beyond the shallow superficial stuff of the activity. like, i don’t know about you but talking about shit i have bought or shit i have done isn’t really what i’m looking and doesn’t really satisfy me emotionally in any significant way.
most of my good friends and relationships came from people I didn’t have common interests with, but common values. And my values are rapidly disappearing from the world and people like me are actively shunned by the sycophancy of social media addicted people.
I am more than what I purchase.
A statement hard felt these days.
where i live all anyone cares about is the clothes you wear, the college you went to, the job title you have, the town you live in, the car you drive, etc. nobody cares about anything beyond that. and the second you don’t have the ‘right’ answer to any of this stuff you are subhuman scum not worth interacting with.
and i know this because only half my answers are ‘right’. i went to the right school, and live in the right town, but i have the wrong job, and grew up in the wrong town, and drive the wrong car. it’s like whiplash the way people behave towards men when they hear the ‘right’ answers and later get the ‘wrong’ ones. i go from ‘great guy’ to ‘piece of shit’ in the span of a few minutes.
i also don’t have the ‘right’ hobbies. which in my city are international travel, indoor rock climbing/Peloton, and loving expensive trendy restaurants.
Absolutely! I just moved to a city that significantly sponsors third places, there are so many clubs and activities for free or almost (archery club fee at 45€/year, dojos go between 45€/semester to 100€, swimming pool at 2€/hour, film festivals for under 10€, knitting club and language club are free, additional discounts come with social security benefits). It makes such a difference! Meeting people becomes seamless when costs are not a constraint. It has been so much easier to build a social net.
Previously I was in a big business city. Everything costs so much, it was hard to justify. Free activities were few and far between. After years there, all my social contacts were through my work.