I got a fridge lockbox and it’s destroying my relationship

I am not the OOP, this was originally posted in r/relationship_advice by by u/throwraiwantmysnacks. (Special thanks to u/throwRA1a2b3c4d1 for collecting the original BORU.)

TW:

Tap for spoiler

threats, abuse, possible drug use, destruction of property

Original post (posted August 10th, 2022)

Some background: BF (28m) and I (25f) have been together five years, lived together 3. Our relationship was great, truly. We have a joint account we contribute to monthly to handle joint expenses: rent, groceries, etc. Everything else is split.

BF is 6’3”, 200 lbs and works out daily. He eats a lot to keep up his caloric intake, which is fine, except for this one issue.

We buy snacks and he always eats my half before I can even get to it. Normal food and ingredients he’s fine with, but if it’s quickly accessible, I’ll never get any. We argue, he apologizes, rinse and repeat. This is literally the only bad thing he’s done. Seriously, in all other aspects of our relationship, he’s respectful and considerate. Snacks are where all bets are off.

Anyways, last week I lost it after he finished an expensive cheese we had gotten that I really was looking forward to eating. It was all gone after an hour. I lost my shit. I didn’t speak to him for a day and ended up ordering a fridge lockbox. After our next snack run a couple of days later, I divided each snack in half and locked mine in the lockbox. From his reaction, you’d think I was murdering puppies. He said it was disrespectful and controlling, and how dare I keep food that he paid for from him. When I reminded him my money went into it too, he screamed that he didn’t give a fuck and then left. He slammed the door so hard a picture fell off the wall and broke. He didn’t come back until the next day, but that was to change for work and leave immediately. He came home late and went straight to the guest room.

Four days of this. I broke last night and asked him to please talk about it and he said that he had nothing to say to me until I got rid of the lockbox. Honestly, I’m completely appalled at this reaction and I’m genuinely worried he might be on drugs or having a mental break or something. This is the most irrationally I’ve ever seen a grown man react. He’s ignored me only to randomly ask if I’ve gotten rid of the lockbox. I am not getting rid of the lockbox.

We’re supposed to renew our lease next week. I’m considering cutting my losses and just leaving. Is this relationship even worth salvaging? Is there anything I can do to solve this? He is refusing to communicate unless I get rid of the lockbox which is not happening.

Relevant/Top comments from the original post:

monkeysaurusmom: So what I’m seeing is that he isn’t even a little sorry for pilfering all the snacks. If he were he’d stop. Now, it seems the man child is pitching a full on temper tantrum because you pushed back. Instead of saying “yeah, I’m kind of being a jerk I can understand why you’d do that” he doubles down on his selfish behavior by pulling a silent treatment and this toxic temper tantrum. This is more than a food issue that’s been kicked over. It’s control and a deep seeded selfishness. I would bet you a dollar and a doughnut that if you start rummaging around you’d see there is a lot more of selfish behaviors that you just don’t fight back on.

animateAlternatives: Entitlement is the root of abuse. Abuse isn’t a specific checklist of behavior, it’s a moral framework where the abusive person feels entitled to the victim. OP check out “why does he do that?”, There are free PDFs online. Be careful!!

PhilosopherOk6002: OP, I’d be pissed too if my food (that I also paid for) was always eaten. You wouldn’t have had to get a lockbox if he respected your simple boundary.

But woah, he had a major meltdown over something so small. Based on his reaction, are you sure this is your only problem in the relationship? Does he have any anger or control issues? His response is way out of line & makes me think of a DV situation, esp because of how the picture broke.

Bottom line is that if he scared you or if he’s being unreasonable, you don’t have to make things work. Definitely spend some time reassessing your relationship. Ask yourself if he ever disrespects your boundaries in any other ways & if he ever handles smaller-scale conflicts poorly like this.

Coco_Dirichlet: Many couples have one person who eats more because they are taller or exercise more, and they can still shop together because one partner is not eating everything! His case is way too extreme. You can go 50/50 on some items like staples and special dinners, but not everything and definitely not snacks. It’s like if Chris Hemsworth came to my house to eat every day. He would probably go through my weekly supply food in 2 days.

Edit:

Wait, do you think he could be on steroids?

They cause increase of appetite and mood problems. It can get very dangerous.

UPDATE (Posted 2 days later on the same post)

Hey guys, I don’t know if anyone wanted an update, but here it is. A lot happened.

Boyfriend kept staying out late and refusing to talk. So I tried to talk to my boyfriend about the lockbox again, and I mentioned that I didn’t think the lockbox was the real issue. But he was a brick wall, insisted that it’s abusive and controlling to deny him food. I kept pushing, asking if he was on drugs or cheating. I said him flipping out over something so small and staying out at all hours was suspicious as hell. I said that I thought he was using the lockbox as an excuse to be out of the house doing something bad. Me saying that unleashed an hours-long screaming tantrum that ultimately resulted in him throwing my MacBook against the wall and shattering it. Honestly, I really thought he was going to hurt me.

So, yeah. Called my dad, who called the cops. I don’t want to get too into the legality of it, but I’m pressing charges for destruction of property. It was a $2500 laptop.

Dad and my godfather moved me out yesterday, and I’m now looking for a new place. I don’t have a lot except for clothes, and a couple of kitchen appliances. I left the lockbox, but took my snacks with me, because fuck him. I left it locked, too.

Ex-bf has been spamming me. I’d block him, but I feel like I need this for evidence in case his behavior escalates. I texted him the first night that we are done, took our photos down, everything. He began ranting at me.

Some gems:

• raging about how I still didn’t get rid of the lockbox
• Asking for stuff he gifted me back
• Telling me I owe him money and rent for his new place
• That I owe him a car(?) I have no idea why he would say this, I have never even driven his current car
• That my MacBook was old snd worthless and he wouldn’t pay for a new one (I bought it last year brand new)

After about an hour, I guess he realized that we were actually broken up and he couldn’t bitch me down anymore. Then came the paragraphs about how he was gonna marry me, he loves me, he wants to be better for me, that I can keep the gifts and he’ll buy me a better MacBook. He freaked out over seeing I took our pictures down from SM. He then started sending me screenshots of his Google searches of engagement rings and telling me to pick one. He also sent a couple voice messages of him just sobbing.

Any respect I had for him as a person is just completely gone. I want nothing to do with this man. I don’t care if he’s having a breakdown, or on something. He’s not my problem. I screenshotted his messages and forwarded them to his mother. She can deal with her son. That’s the most I’ll ever do for him again.

As for me, I’ll be okay. I have some savings, so taking on full rent for a place as well as deposit and fees won’t be too much. This has been a weird week. I feel like I should be sad, but like I said I lost all respect and don’t feel anything but disdain for him. My parents have been buying me my favorite comfort snacks and being super supportive. They’re gently pushing for therapy, and I think it’s probably a good idea. I’ll start my search once I’m settled in a new place.

Relevant comments after the edit:

Character_Study5220: im proud of u

ur parents r awesome, relationships with boys like this can really mess with ur mindset in the long run - u don’t wanna internalise his shitty treatment of u and therapy can help with that

Deleted user: Save all electronic information that he sends you. DO NOT put stuff on social media about your new place, that can give him clues to where you are living. Talk to your supervisors and notify security at your job, they may ask for a recent picture of him. Take out a restraining order against him if it looks like he is remotely stalking you.

joe-dirt-1001: Sorry that it played out like this, but also glad that you stood your ground and will be moving on to a brighter future.

Stay strong and good luck.

Slow-Analysis6522: I’m glad you’ve sorta solved this. Sometimes the grass is indeed greener on the other side. This man is a textbook abuser.

This last offer is tempting, insist on that last point to see if he at least will give you a new computer for breaking the one you had.

kevin_r13: Yeah I wasn’t sure how the story was going to end but I was going to say that he’s showing some very violent actions, which would have been cause for breaking up but looks like that’s where the story went so stand by your ground and let him deal with the consequences of his actions, including the actions of continuing to eat your share of the snacks.

It was quite easy and controllable to just say , “look we both bought the snacks . I eat this much and I’m going to stop because I love my girlfriend who’s going to eat the other half”.

In fact there’s even the concept of saying I love my girlfriend so much that I’m going to eat only 30 or 40% of the snacks because I want her to enjoy the majority of the snacks.

These kinds of ideas and concepts could have been something he did instead of getting mad calling you names and throwing your property and breaking it

***REMINDER: This is a repost sub. I am not the OOP.***