On one side I enjoy solitude, walking alone, drawing, fishing and cooking. Most people bore me because I find them dull and superficial. I specially hate the talkative, needy ones who wont shut up and believe I care what they think. I dislike big groups of drunks or people that need to yell and listen to loud music to feel good.
On the other hand, I’ll die one day, possibly alone, because I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for a girlfriend, marriage or raising children, nor to go to a club or a similar social occasion where people find other humans and maybe a partner.
Suddenly, dying alone with no children feels depressing: Everything I save and don’t spend will be appropriated or sold, everything I learn, a whole life of experiences, will simply be forgotten, I know I won’t feel anything when I die, or after, and I shouldn’t care about it, but I still feel sad I’m going to die without nobody but the debt collectors noticing my death. Suggesting I marry out of desperation so I don’t die alone would be a terrible idea. So don’t. I’m too set on my ways and wouldn’t be fair to any child.
I like some human contact but feel the world offers me either loud, drunk jerks, immature idiots or the complete solitude I have now, a solitude I mostly enjoy but sometimes makes me feel alone.
As someone who also regularly prefers to be alone, I don’t think you’re strange. That being said, I’ve forced myself over the years to interact with people. The ones who don’t annoy me, become friends. We may not see each other often, but we’re always there for each other when I counts.
It helps for me getting diagnosed ADHD and my doctor said probably autistic but there was no way in hell she was writing that down in this political climate. Turns out like 80% of my friends are also neurodivergent. They absolutely understand the preference for silence and being alone.
I’m not saying you need to make friends. But it might be worth a try. It’s not either or, you don’t have to go to loud parties every night and talk to every person or stay at home and talk to no one. You can go to the library and tell someone that’s a good book theyre reading and maybe you guys discuss it and become friends and maybe you don’t.
There’s so many ways to be a human. And they change and evolve through your entire life. Who you are today is probably not the same as 5 years ago you or 5 years from now you. Give yourself permission to try new things even if you don’t think you like them, it may surprise you.