My Christian, old republican southerner father wants me to attend his Christian funeral with all of his surviving relatives present. I don’t believe in any god, he knows that. He needs a religion to give a meaning to his life? Knock yourself out.

Religion is not the main problem here. The main problem is how close minded and fake people are in a southern small town in GA and above all, relatives. 2 aunts love to pretend everything is fine, they excel doing that on funerals and weddings, then stab you in the back as soon as you’re not within ear distance, either need drama to feel important or have way too much free time.

I wouldn’t mind a small Christian ritual with my mother, my brother, a priest and nobody else, but these women and their husbands? They drag everyone down with their stupid grudges about yard sales and business deals made in the early 2020s and seem to be envious of those who left that place and found something better. Last time I saw them, 7 years ago, they complained I don’t call them. What for?

I’m better off without them and don’t have the bandwidth to deal with them.

Family seems to be an identity issue for my father, the idea that his whole family won’t bury him together scares him. I told them I will honor him my way, with luck on the hospital bed where he dies or at home, that mother and brother are welcome to honor him with me, that I won’t attend a funeral with people I don’t like but he is not listening: he is now retorting to manipulate me (it would be so good, wouldn’t it be nice…?)

My father is not cognitively impaired. The easy way out would be to tell him ‘sure, I’ll come to your funeral with all those assholes you care so much about’ and after he dies, ignore it. I suspect my mother would agree, because she wasn’t born in GA and these aunts always felt superior to her, something my father always downplays because ‘we’re family’.

I like treating my father like an adult and want genuine conversations with him. To me, placating him on a thing like this means accepting my father has become a 5 year old who needs to be lied to so he doesn’t start feeling sad or feels I’m attacking him. It doesn’t feel right.

But it feels worse to pretend I respect those lying assholes or to listen to their boring life I don’t care about.

So what do I do?

  • vestmoria@linux.communityOPEnglish
    2·
    5 hours ago

    Spending 2-3 hours at the funeral home with his open casket, is a more personal way to say your farewells and honour him.

    as said, I wouldn’t mind a small Christian funeral where I could vet visitors. I’m all for a personal, even intimate farewell, but he wants the crowd.

    Scattering his ashes at an agreed location of shared importance for the both of you, can be a powerful final goodbye.

    Things I proposed already:

    • burn his corpse, use the ashes to grow a tree, small ceremony with me, mother and brother. Even with a priest.

    • burn his corpse to scatter his ashes on a river of his choosing, small ceremony with me, mother and brother. Even with a priest.

    • burn his corpse, put the ashes in three small containers so each of us makes his own ritual.

    • not burn the corpse, simply put the corpse in a hole, plant a tree over the corpse.

    he wants the Christian cross with the crowd next to his mother. And me there, even if I feel is stupid. This is to be taken literally, he has already bought a place for my corpse to be buried next to him.

    I feel he doesn’t care about how this makes me feel, which I guess happens to so many families when conflicts like this arise.

    • ace_garp@lemmy.world
      1·
      2 hours ago

      Sounds like you have given this plenty of thought, and already proposed burial options that may satisfy both of you.

      I did mean that the funeral with relatives would still go ahead, but you would only attend something personal, as an extra to the traditional funeral.

      You could also opt to go to the big funeral as final gesture to him.

      However, suffering people who are ‘family’, but have sent you nothing but negativity, is not something you are obligated to do.

      Other commenters can say you must do this or that for social convention, but only you will understand the amount of actual love and care felt from these relatives.

      –

      Regarding the prebought plot, where you are buried is entirely your wishes and choice. The time is now to make it understood (clearly detailed in your will is best) where you want to be buried, if that is another important choice for you.