We’re almost to our daughter’s 9th month of life. We’re both overtired and feeling overworked, with precious little of the time we used to spend on hobbies or couple-time. That said, while there’s been a shift towards an expectation culture in the house (vs an ask culture) we haven’t had the sort of challenges listed in that first paragraph.

Some things probably working for us:

• We’ve been together for over a decade and in our home for 9 years

• Our communication style is productive even during arguments (“I feel” statements are much more positive than “you” statements)

• We’re majority wfh so we have the capacity to buffer each others’ needs as parents throughout the day, rather than leaving everything to one person or having additional financial stresses with childcare

Some things definitely working for us:

• Calling each other out for awesome parenting, because very few others will and it’s amazing to feel that validation

• Proactively taking something off of each other’s plates, whether that’s cleaning or laundry, dishes or bottles, whatever task is getting done is one that doesn’t have to be done later

• Knowing about spoon theory and being sensitive to how much bandwidth each other has left. It’s way harder to recharge from past depleted, so being flexible and recognizing when I or my partner are reaching that point and stepping in or voicing a need for support goes a long way for both of us

How do you find the mental fortitude to ignore the stupid bs your partner does or says?

I mean, we’re both sleep deprived so I’m sure there’s stupid coming out of my mouth too. I think it’s much healthier to laugh or work to improve the condition causing stress than it is to feed a negative cycle. If either of us are escalating we missed a chance to bolster each other.

How would you describe love to your partner a year after having a baby?

Gratitude. I feel incredibly fortunate to have a partner who puts in the effort and has put in the effort to help build the communication style that’s worked so well for us.

Is there any way to know if you and your partner are going to make it and remain a couple after having a child?

It really helps to have a relationship built on respect, and knowing enough about yourselves to approach challenges constructively. Build a good foundation with each other, learn to communicate positively, and do your best.

New plants or seeds I haven’t grown yet.

I’ve hung out with the Reel Big Fish and Streetlight Manifesto, and met Bruce Springsteen. Everybody was super down to earth and chill.

Once I was at a punk festival and chatting with a stranger about which upcoming sets we were excited for, and when this person was unfamiliar with a classic punk band I exclaimed “how can you not know Joan Jett and the Blackhearts?” only to hear that sentence repeated by someone behind me. It was Joan Jett, and I got to hang out on stage with their VIP group during their set.