Just like my history with my mental illness affects a small populace. Why should the world have to bend to my problems?
Because you matter, and your problems matter >:3
I know it can be hard to feel that way, but the way I see it is - after everything they’ve taken from us, we can’t let them take our self-worth! Most cis people and most abled people I know aren’t ashamed to expect the world to work for them; we don’t get points for expecting nothing for ourselves.
I would never expect the intolerable, ignorant, racist, or cruel people to bend their beliefs for me. Its a waste of my energy to want that.
I don’t expect them to do that. I don’t need them to do that either. I need them to shut up and fuck off. You know, the exact same thing they want the people they oppress to do >:3
As for it being a waste of your energy… that’s your call, but personally, I wouldn’t be able to keep going if I couldn’t imagine a world where the bigots consistently lose. I haven’t yet “found my tribe” with people who understand and accept me, and it’s not likely to happen in the near future; so the hope that a better world is possible, and that I could help build it, is basically all I have left - and yet, it’s been enough to get me this far. Who knows, maybe it’ll do something for you.
Your mom is being shitty. I also have a parent who would randomly threaten to cut me off, and it was the last thing I needed to hear when struggling with life-threatening depression for the first time. A decent parent would show love and compassion, or at least not make it worse for you. Understand and remember that she is in the wrong here, not you. Mental health issues are not personal failures, any more than other health issues are.
You’ve posted before about your mom making horrible threats against you. It would be worth asking - how many of her threats has she actually acted on in the past? I don’t know her and I don’t mean to downplay the seriousness of your plight, but my own abusive parent was (is!) all bark and very little bite. The abuse was still harmful, but mostly in an emotional sense. I was never actually cut off or deprived in any significant sense, as my abuser still clung to the idea of loving me and being a faithful parent. Maybe yours is similar, and you don’t actually need to take the fear of being cut off so seriously. Maybe if you could do that, you’d feel better?
Your fear of ICE is legitimate and not pathetic. There really is no limit to their indiscriminate cruelty. But it would be good to assess the risk carefully. For example, statistically, the likelihood of a kid dying in a school shooting is pretty low; you’re far more likely to die of something common like a car accident. So while parents are terrified of a shooting, they still send their kids to school, because the benefits of their child being educated outweigh the risk.
When I was severely depressed, one of the few things that helped a lot was just stepping out of my usual surroundings and watching the world for a bit. It helped me remember that the world is so much bigger than me and the worries that consume me; that there’s enough beauty out there to drown my depression. That there’s always hope, out there in the unknown, though I often can’t see it. It’s a difficult feeling to convey in words, but you’ll know it when you experience it. Stepping out of the house, even for a few minutes, could possibly have game-changing benefits. It definitely saved my life more than once, as silly as that might sound.
Now, the risk. In the case of ICE, the exact risk is unclear as their actions are somewhat random and unpredictable; but there are things you can do to estimate it. You might be able to find out whether ICE agents were spotted in your area (social media, and I think there was even an app for that? Try asking around here). Moreover, there are plenty of people trying to keep vulnerable populations safe from ICE. They know better than anyone else, from firsthand experience, what factors affect the risk; and they’re doing their best to share that information. Try your best to find it. (I wish I was saving that kind of information so I could share it here, but I’ve really not been on top of my game lately.) Then make an informed decision, and hold yourself to it.
Whatever you decide, you’ll feel better about your decision knowing that it was one that you made yourself, not one that was forced on you by fear.
Finally, I just wanted you to know that as someone who experienced something similar, I feel very strongly for you. I got very emotional several times while typing this, and I really wish I could give you a hug and tell you how much I appreciate you for making it this far; I know it can’t have been easy. While my own problems (which are not limited to my parents!) are far from over, I was lucky enough to live away from them for a while, and I think the distance has allowed a lot of wounds to heal. Sometimes things work out in ways you’d never expect. So don’t lose heart! I’m rooting for you.