Already on it. Saving spools of wick too because, sadly I fear a worse timeline than that of America.

You see my brother, he died years ago. Homeless, been everywhere here and there. Bipolar and bottom of the barrel. It hurts to say this but it is truthful.

He told my mom 3 things that have stuck with me. 1. I am her compensation for all her suffering. 2. He was sent by god. 3. His old gang was being wiped out, his time was coming.

I called him deluded by some undiagnosed condition.

Now here I am. Just scared because I followed my heart and it led me here too. I wanted a peaceful life, but I have knowledge if not for people, but for the new life humanity is birthing.

2 millennia of history, it is hard to catch up.

It makes me happy that you too fear. It feels like maybe I am not alone in carrying all this pain, that it is worth continuing. That I feel the burden for people who truly want to see love and kindness proliferate.

I completely agree with you.

White people are just frustrated equality means feeling burdens, pains, and other things equally. By all carrying a little, you can carry a whole lot. However, I’ve learned it comes from a place of comfort. They think the world around them is sound, that rules exist and structure permeates. They are but babies to reality. Even the christians among them do not understand the misery and suffering the bible speaks of.

Those that propagate these lies, they witness not injustices but a system they can exploit. They are the demons that keep us awake at night and fearing our safety.

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My name is his, my last name means he who supplants.

I do not feel I am god, nor that I am Jesus. I just want to be. Since 8 I wanted to be a buddhist. At my age now, I just want to find meaning in the madness I witness.

The only meaning seems simple, a stoic life. An ancient philosophy, far beyond mine. I regularly use weed and it’s how I was allowed time to meditate. I felt i could control my thoughts finally, and all I see is to be kind.

Now my dependency is ending, for I have found what I want to do. I want to help people, the only thing I wanted as a child. I was just too afraid.

I regularly drink, eat and sleep. I am happy with my life and this is not ego, narcissism, or anything. I feel shame, for I feel unworthy, incapable. The only thing I have is my name, my part in the script the world orients.

An act most heathenous and self righteous.

I appreciate your input. As I know these things and it is nice to reflect and put these thoughts to writing. It is why I asked here, only social forum I can see genuine interactions.

I do not feel I am god, or Jesus. I am me. Think more the eastern philosophy of upbringing. How you raise someone, with a set of expectations of beliefs and ideas. Eventually someone will roll the dice, in the right storm to form. Every person is unique for this very reason. It’s why I fear, I do not want to forfeit my life, my comforts, for this. I am content, however I find it inexcusable to take my wants over those of the ones I encounter.

It’s to the point i believe myself the second coming. Rapture always perplexed me.