World is an absolute shit show with no signs of improving, personal life just keeps turning upside down, everything makes me terminally tired. I am trying to remain positive and be a positive force for others. I do stuff to make me feel better, like art, take walks, talk to a therapist, grow plants, community work - and I do manage to squeeze a tiny happiness out of my activities but it doesn’t seem to be worth the effort. I try to connect with people and quite a few people actually seem to like me but socializing makes me feel exhausted. I catch myself thinking “Let the fucking war arrive and burn it all down” and that’s terrifying stuff to carry in one’s own head. I just feel I’m part of the overpopulation and that there’s no point of existing.
I have a kid and don’t want them to be sad because their crazy parent offed themselves and that’s all that keeps me going.
Those of you feeling like this: what keeps you going?
EDIT: Wow, this has been quite a day. Thanks for your answers and advice, it was so far the darkest day I found on my path and you really helped me through it! I’d like to send a virtual hug to all, especially those who seem to be struggling as much as I do and who stay around for the sake of their loved ones, or simply out of spite and anger. The heavy tension-inducing weather that was been brewing here all morning finally unloaded into an impressive thunderstorm with bucket loads of rain, and then a friend arrived telling me she was feeling quite the same way (the weather clearly didn’t help today!), and she inspired me to host a meeting I wanted to do since a long time, so I finally set up a date for it and announced it. So here we go again, despite or with the rage, the spite, the heavy heart. See you tomorrow, hopefully with some sun to try that ‘baking cookies in my car’ thing I just found in the shitposting community. At least there will be cookies to go with the doom tomorrow!
trying to emigrate. I can’t die here this sad and this alone. I’m motivated by self hate and a delusion that since I was happy one time it could happen again
Trying to find somewhere quite like here but not entirely, just so I can get busy with the relocating and building something new. It’s a hack, but an interesting one. Of course, on the other side of the fence we’ll meet our face in the mirror yet again.
that sounds a little harder than what I’m trying to pull off. I heard there’s this super secret scumbag lifehack where if an autistic person picks a country different enough from their own, their social symptoms tend to just appear as average immigrant idiosyncrasies.
I’m pretty repulsed by my own country’s culture so I’m hoping I’ll be spared that “grass is always greener” fallacy that tends to befall other expats.
Unfortunately I already played my “going to another country where it’s all better” card 25 years ago, and because of that didn’t even notice I was autistic for quite some time, so there’s some truth in that.
At this point I can report that I’m repulsed by my native country’s culture, my country of residence’s culture, and probably that of any other country once I learn enough about it. So my main criteria for finding a new place at this point are “Small affordable house with a garden for rent, understand the language at least a little, rural area in the mountains without too many fascists, not too dry and hot”. Let the other expats have all the beaches and leave me alone.