I overhead the livingroom conversation and its annoying af.

“Why are you so fat, lose some weight. This is why get no girls”

“Why are you working such a shitty job, didn’t you go to college for 5 years? Did you ever get a diploma or are you this stupid?” (referring to the fact that the internship requirements weren’t fullfilled so no diploma was issued at first)

“You need to [爭氣]¹, stop being such a loser”

(¹爭氣 Antonym of 不爭氣 meaning: disappointing; failing to live up to expectations; so basically something like: “strive for more in life?”)

These are directed at my older brother, so then he gets insecure and starts be like: what about [him]? (he’s referring to me) so then he starts insulting me…

like dude wtf I didn’t yell at you, the fuck you targeting me for?

Then here’s the kicker: later my mom would also go say a lot of similar stuff, but directed at me instead and when my older brother is not listening to it, and from my older brother’s pov, he views himself as if he’s being unfairly mistreated and so he’s then hates me because of that, even thought I don’t exactly get any special treatment, I’m 5 years younger btw.

So like both my mom and brother would say a lot of shit to me and like bruhhh…

So… just your average Asian American household… 🙃

I feel like one of these days we’re gonna end up murdering each other then she’s gonna end up childless lmao… wonder if she’ll even feel shame for getting her children to murder each other. (okay kidding, don’t think murder is happening yet, but it does feel quite scary when the yellings erupt)

I know a lot of westerners here are gonna be like “go no contact”, but like honestly if Asians all followed the western standards, I bet like 80% of “boomer” Asian parents are gonna have estranged kids, this is just the norm.

Do you think like because the “overtion window” of parenting is different, that maybe sometimes you just have to accept that this shit happens, or should I just like embrace western culture and beome a “banana” (Asian on the outside, Westernized on the inside)?

Sorry if my thoughts make no sense, kinda just thinking aloud.

  • FinjaminPoach@lemmy.world
    12·
    4 days ago

    post title question

    A youtuber i watched who used to be is called WhatIfAltHist (history) made a video explaining his theory that yes, different cultures have different negative-feeling motivators:

    • Africa generally has fear - brutal and painful punishments are key in tight-knit rural communities, and are more common/appealing to more conservative-minded folks, which the vast majority of Africans are.
    • Asia largely has shame, with society invoking cries like ‘you’re disappointing your family and community! You’re ruining your family’s reputation in the community!’ To keep people in-check.
    • Europe and North America has always been way more individualistic than that, so they instead use Guilt. “How do you think the other person would feel?” And “That wasn’t very fair of you, was it?” And appeals to religious rules.

    He suggests these motivators combine when different groups move to and share a new space, so places like Brazil use Shame and Guilt. (All is visible according to a map in the start of the video).

    That being said, I have had people say horrible things like that to me anyway. In my case it was just outright bullying though, where the people desperately wanted to invent some reason to feel better about themselves. Hence why I cut them off as soon as it started, which is key really - but easier when it’s friends rather than family.

    [I’m a westerner, for context]

    My own family would never insult or criticise me the way your one does. Mainly because they understand our economy is fucked up and there’s not much I can do about it. But also because they deeply subscribe to the individualist agenda, where “you don’t owe your family or community anything.”

    I have problems with that philosophy though, and I feel a more family-oriented one would see people band together with their families more - we literally observe that immigrants in our country are far more closely connected to their cousins and distant relatives, whereas I was basically not allowed to talk to mine. Yipee.

    Collective shame culture, although it obviously worked in the past to create thriving societies, I think it should be dropped going forward. Seems to cause a lot of discomfort for people.