Got drunk on Valentine’s day probably 15ish years ago, cuz I was feeling lonely. I was of course young and horny trying to think of any last minute way to hang out with a couple girls that didn’t come off desperate (lol) when my fucking boss texts me. Mind you, I had been drinking and eating junk food for a good chunk of the day like a depressed bum and I definitely wasn’t going into work.

Long story shorter, she was having relationship issues, found out her bf had cheated on her, etc, and she was trying to get me to cover some hours so she wouldn’t have to go in. As we’re talking and she trying to convince me to work, I convinced her to cover and I’d sober up and clean up and we’d go do anything she wanted to get her mind off of it.

When we met up I blurted out “how fuckable” she looked. I’m my mind I was just trying to give a big compliment knowing how upset and emotional she was, so brain said “go all out” and apparently that’s what I came up with. She blushed and it was super awkward as we got ice cream. Now, she IS actually attractive and in the back of my mind I always sort of had that boss fantasy, but clearly she’s not in a good mental state so I did NOT initiate the next part out of just respect for her and also I didn’t want to get fired. She says she wanted to leave, she’s sick of crying and being emotional in public so I took it as she vented and cleared her mind and I’d see her the next day. I start to take her back to get her car and she says she wanted to stay at a hotel that night cuz she didn’t want to be home when her bf got home. Makes sense. Shit’s now awkward for them.

Remember, I’m still horny from earlier in the day and after hearing about the bf I kind of don’t hate the idea of making out or fooling around, so I said I’d keep her company and we’d could watch movies as late as we could stay awake.

Yes finally, the fuck up. We’re cuddling on the bed, no change of clothes so still dressed up, and we’re watching some romcom when it hits me: I’ve gotta take a gnarly horrific shit from all the garbage I’ve ate all day!!! Noooo!!! Stomach a little queezy, but I muscle on through it. She asks if we could have a couple drinks and I agree. I figure the faster she falls sleep the faster I’m going home to poop. Well, we start getting really cozy, flirty,handsy, and clothes come off making out, and dude her fucking body was way way better than I ever expected. I’m full blown horny again, and a little bubbly gut but I want to see this through god damn it!! What I thought was this quiet prude boss was hiding an amazing figure, so I must proceed lol. She was the full package! Great personality, sense of humor, smart, attractive. I was fully into her! I hadn’t really got to know her until that night. Plus, usually I’ve got some time from initial discomfort to when I need to go, so I push on.

We’re completely naked under the sheets at this point and I’m going down on her (gotta give her a good night) so my butts kind of up in the air, and I feel something close to my b hole almost creep out. I’M NOT TRUSTING A FART or anything remotely resembling so I clinch even harder and keep going. I move up to do the deed and this time I STRAIGHT UP PANIC and sort of jerked my body bc the next gurgle in my stomach nearly breached my asshole. You can’t “prairie dog” liquid. I IMMEDIATELY excuse myself flying off the bed and completely obliterated the toilet-like, Dumb and Dumber level noise which she can clearly hear in the tiny hotel room. Those fucking fans are never loud enough to cover sound nor ventilate enough air if you catch my drift.

After about 15 minutes, some of ‘still going’ and some waiting for the smell to clear, she texts me asking if I’m alright.I told her I was fine but must’ve been the ice cream mixing with the alcohol in my system curdling the dairy or something. I knew that was some bs cuz what I ate earlier. But I then told her I was going to shower and then leave. DUDE, so embarrassing about needing a shower, thankfully I didn’t get any on the bed or carpet!!! That also bought me time to clear the air. Again, also extremely thankful is a hotel so I didn’t mind using a bunch of TP to clean, plus soap and shampoo.

Not all is lost either, she blamed herself for the ice cream bit which made me fell awful so I confessed and told her it was all on me. She still asked me to cuddle so she could sleep easier. We did pick up where we left off in the morning, but we never spoke of it again nor did anything else fun occur either.

I’ll tell you something embarrassing about a guy I dated instead.

This was some time ago and I only dated him for like 2 months.

I can’t recall exactly what happened but I think he clogged my toilet and I used the plunger and qtips came up and I was like.

“Why did you flush qtips. ?”

And then it came out that he uses q tips to clean his butt after a dump.

Yes you heard me.

Q tips.

And he said something about his mom saying it was okay to flush them.

Which I then realized his mom taught him to clean his butt hole with qtips.

And …this had me thinking all sorts of weird things about their relationship.

He was definitely a momma’s boy. But maybe a little extreme.

For instance his mother managed his bank account. Made sure his truck payment was made every month. (We were both in our mid 20s). He still lived with his parents but he was finishing up electrician school.That seemed okay since he was in school. 🤷

And so this guy , btw, was like 6ft 5. He was huge in height. (I’m 5ft 3).

His mom was my size and he would like sit in her lap on the sofa. Like he would sit in front of her on the floor and cuddle him. You know. I thought that was weird. But every family has weird quirks. Plus men who have good relationships with their moms are less likely to be misogynist. Right?

He did introduce me to some great books like Raw Shark Text and Blindsight (two of my top favorite books) And that almost made it worth dating him.

He was just a weirdo. And when I broke up with him he asked me to marry him. (2 months of dating).

Just…no.

I once shat my pants at work after drinking too much coffee and left a little stain on the chair. After my shift I swapped the chair with one from a morbidly obese coworker, who was absent that day.

Either everybody knew or nobody knew.

When I was meeting my girlfriend (now wife’s) friends for the first time I went to go pee in the washroom, and my pee did that thing when it shoots out in 5 different directions. Got some on my pants. Luckily I spilled some coffee on my pants earlier that say (I know, rough say) so I just let them think it was that.