I went to open the new container of butter at work and saw that someone else got there before me. Who does this! :'( Needless to say, I smoothed it out. I’ll get to see what it looks like when I’m back in on Monday.
I went to open the new container of butter at work and saw that someone else got there before me. Who does this! :'( Needless to say, I smoothed it out. I’ll get to see what it looks like when I’m back in on Monday.
My partner thinks the same of me 😞
I’m very focused on optimizing things and sometimes I just want to ask, why she is doing things her way, because I think, that I’m maybe missing something.
She always brings up the example, that I even tell her, she washes tomatoes wrong, because she used warm water.
But they are just easier to cut, when they are cold and the skin doesn’t already separate
She takes the critique very personal and now it’s mostly me cooking…
Which is fine, but I’m feeling bad, because I didn’t want to say, that she does something wrong, I see such things as external and we can improve, not attached to the person as a being.
So, when she does something better, I don’t feel bad, I try to adapt her style.
Other way round, it’s always a personal critique it seems
But I’m also very picky with food and obviously not an easy person. So I’m happy, she still sticks with me and I’ll happily cook for her
When she does something better, do you say something to her that shows her you’ve learned something and are going to change how you do it? It might seem like you have a “I always know best, my way or the highway” attitude but if you show a bit of humility and can accept that you don’t always have the best methods, it might show her that you don’t want things always done “your way”, you’re just looking for the “best way”.
I ask, why she does that this way, so I can learn, and yes, I then tell her, that this is cool and I’m happy to do it that way as well
But asking already is triggering a defense mechanism now… 😞
In general, we are perfectly fine though and very happy with each other
So this is not a real problem, just would like to do it better
Edit: and no, it’s not about “my way”
As I said, for me this is just an external thing I’m doing and isn’t connected to me - like it’s not a personal fault, if I do it wrong
I often ask her for help, because I know she does many things better, where I can’t
We have the saying, together we’re one good monkey
It’s just some things, and I’m not sure how to it better, when I want to tell her about my learning experience/mistakes I’ve already made, and want to show, that’s easier or better that way
And even then, I don’t say, that I’m doing it correct, I only say, I do it that way, because I think it’s easier/better
And I usually ask, why she is doing something her way, because I want to verify my own approach - because I think, I’m doing something wrong or miss a thing, I haven’t thought about
Edit 2: current example:
In our bedroom it’s getting bright quite early and I said, maybe we should think about curtains, because the window blinds don’t really work that good
She said, she is worried about mold on the walls with them, and I said, ah, yeah, you’re right, I haven’t thought about the winter months
So hopefully, you now have a better picture and don’t think of my like an asshole anymore, that doesn’t let any other idea being ok ;-)
Final edit:
I just saw now, that you aren’t the guy I was talking with first
I was hoping for an exchange with another one, that is seemingly in the same shoes like my wife, so I can maybe have an idea how to do this better
That was the original idea, why I started talking
Maybe you have an input yourself, but at the moment, you misinterpreted my situation
I didn’t have this picture of you to begin with, I only offered advice because it seemed your partner thought so, haha.
This could be a language / cultural thing, but if I was doing something I’ve done a hundred times and someone asked me, “why are you doing it that way?” I would also be frustrated and defensive. Even though it’s a simple question with no implications, it can feel like the other person is saying you’re doing something wrong.
Let’s look at your tomato example. They’re washing tomatoes without even really thinking about it, and are asked, “why are you doing it like that?” (again, not a directly confrontational question, but can be perceived as such) Now slightly defensive they have to justify a behavior they did not think about before starting. The response is probably going to be short and… not happy.
I know you’re asking the question to find the best, most efficient way. You know that, and your partner probably knows it too, but when it happens in the moment (especially if they’ve already got a disposition towards those questions) it can be hard to look past your preconceived assumptions of the question.
So instead of seeing them wash tomatoes with hot water and asking “why are you doing that”, maybe you can ask, “is it better to wash them with hot water? I normally use cold because xyz”.
Well yeah, we’re together since more than 12 years now, so by now she knows me and we’re actually cooking together - usually the one with the idea what to cook takes the lead and the other one assists
So it’s not a major problem, but there is always room to improve :-)
I’ve already tried different ways to ask, but as said, she knows me and can read between the lines ;-)