I tried making a Reddit account and it asked me to build karma before I could ask on any of the relevant subs so I’m posting here.
I can personally say that if anything goes up there, it hurts, and not in a good way. It does not feel pleasurable at all. It feels kind of like placing a finger on an open sore and pushing down.
Also, if you’re being examined, they tell you to take deep breaths, as if they know that anything going up is going to be painful. If sex is supposed to be pleasurable and enjoyable, why would doctors tell you to brace for impact, so to speak?
Lastly, women often scream during sex. It’s often said they’re screaming out of pleasure and not pain. But there are a lot of things I find extremely pleasurable, but I don’t scream while I do them.
Is it just one of those things that is painful but we’re conditioned into believing the pain is actually pleasure and I must have inconsistent pain tolerance and I am making a big deal out of this?
From the last time this was asked: seek professional medical advise. It should not be painful. There are non-medical reasons it might be less than amazing, but it should not be painful.
Not a woman here but coning from my wife: fuck yes, women enjoy sex and a lot of it. When she comes, she screams every time.
If sexual intercourse isn’t pleasurable for you, or even painful, you may wnat to consult with a physician tonfigurr out what could cause your discomfort or pain, and to try and fix it
Sex is (and should be) awesome and amazing for everyone. I feel you’re missing out on something wonderful and hope that you’ll be able to fix this issue.
Beat wishes!
Yes. I am a woman and really enjoy sex. Less so when I was younger but it is not supposed to hurt, no. Two questions:
What happens when you put in a tampon?
Are you really very aroused before trying penetration?
Yes. Women do enjoy sex and you should try to make sure you do to. It’s not uncommon for women to not enjoy sex right away for a number of reasons. First something like 75% of women can’t come from penetration alone so you need to get more from yourself or your partner. Second some women don’t reach their sexual peak to around 30 because they need to really understand themselves and unlearn the myths about sex not being pleasurable. So what do you need to do?
First, I would recommend reading / listening to the best / longest running sex and relationship podcast by Dan Savage. It’s a great way to both get comfortable about hearing / thinking about sex is a positive way as well as learn about consent, advocating for pleasure as well as ways to communicate this. It’s kink and sex positive so you might hear about things that are scary or off-putting that some people like around sex but that’s good learning. You might even hear about things you didn’t know you were interested in.
Second you need to become the expert on your own body and pleasure. Your partner shouldn’t have to read your mind because they are focused on their own pleasure and might be as inexperienced as you are. So you need to masterbate and see what you like. Touch everywhere and everything you see what you enjoy. See what thoughts turn you on. If porn seems to give you the ick try female made porn from Erika Lust or some audio erotica from Dipsea. Lots of women and men have problem with mainstream porn point of view and might enjoy a different take on it. Also there are numerous smutty books out that you might enjoy. If you need some references OMGYes has real scientific information about what women do for pleasure that is supposed to be amazing. Urban Tantra has a chapter on erotic massage for Vulvas (it also has one Penises) with step by step instructions and pictures. You might not enjoy the spiritual / chakra / woo woo aspect but the rest is applicable.
You are doing great and have fun.
Edit: I can’t believe I did a whole post about female pleasure and forgot Sex Toys. You might need a vibrator another clitoris stimulation toy. oh joy sex toy has tons of reviews as well as other resources on sex toys. If you want to go in person go to Smitten Kitten or Babeland if they are in your city. If not look to see if any sex toy shops have the words feminist, LGBTQIA+ friendly or gender inclusive near you.
Yes, women do very much enjoy sex. Pleasure and pain can be mixed in enjoyable ways during sex, but no, it is not normal to experience pain during sex, nor is it required. You have to be lubricated enough. At the doctor, they will use their own lubricant, but having a stranger examine you is one of the least sexy experiences out there, and they use a somewhat sharp, cold metal instrument to stretch and hold you open beyond what inserting a penis would do. So it is not surprising that it hurts and is uncomfortable. Sticking something inside yourself “cold” with no buildup or sexual desire will have a similar effect. It is not a pocket.
A few things:
Since it appears you have not had sex before and don’t use sex toys very much, you probably still have your hymen intact. This is a membrane that will eventually be torn by inserting something. Sometimes this is a bit painful, sometimes it bleeds, sometimes you don’t even notice. Once that is out of the way, you should be good to go.
Key word being “should”. It is always possible that you have a condition such as vaginismus, which causes unusual pain. If so, there are types of physical therapy that can help or overcome it. Talk to your doctor if you are concerned. Tip: you may want to bring a man with you, even if it is your dad. Vagina stuff is often not taken seriously by doctors. It is dumb but I don’t make the rules, just stating facts.
It is not supposed to be painful. If it is, then talk to a health professional.
Do not force yourself to have sex if it is painful! That might give you an aversion to it
If you are not old enough to do that without parents, then see if there is a school nurse, or other services for young people.
FYI: I am a man, but I know that women are supposed to enjoy sex.
I used to think this and it took me far too long to realise that men aren’t icky, I’m just a raging lesbian.
As another raging lesbian, I still think men are pretty icky. But they’re bumbling around all this the same we are
Similar to other comments, that kinda sounds like vaginismus from what I’ve read of it. Obviously people have different preferences, but it’s not supposed to be painful, assuming you’re well-lubricated via foreplay or otherwise. It should be plenty wet inside and not dry. Things should slide right in and not be difficult to insert (important note: I do not have a vagina, this is just based on my sexual experience).
Plenty of people with vaginas don’t particularly enjoy penetration for one reason or another (and plenty do), but actual physical pain is another matter, I think.
I’ll add an asterisk to your statements. As a woman, things don’t generally slide right in (ymmv), and usually there’s still a little bit of intentionality to get to the good parts. Of course, something with tiny girth might slide in, but generally, phallic-type objects can still take a little work.
Yeah that’s fair, I guess maybe it depends on your definition of “slide right in”. I meant it as “there shouldn’t be any signficiant resistance to insertion”, which was qualified by needing lubrication/arousal for that to be the case. And I guess it should be further qualified that the thing being inserted should be lubricated as well.
But that being said, I am not a woman, so what I’m saying should certainly be taken with a grain of salt.
In my experience they do.
In case it wasn’t mentioned already, consider looking into pelvic physical therapy. They specialize in this area and treat physical problems that cause pain during sexual activity, bodily functions, etc. I see one and it has helped me a lot!
My wife has had an issue with pain during penetration that turned out to be caused by the depo birth control shot. It’s a rare side effect that no one told her about.
Your problem is defining “sex” as “being penetrated”. I am a woman, and do not enjoy being penetrated, and still enjoy sex. I’ve only put menstrual cups and a speculum up there before but I found it painful and difficult, like trying to push the cup up against a brick wall. I know women who have this problem and want to receive penetrative sex do vaginal dilation, but I’m not interested in that, so I don’t bother.
If you like the idea of being penetrated, you might want to try seeing a gynaecologist about vaginismus. But this isn’t inherently a problem if you don’t actually want to use your vagina during sex. You might prefer giving over receiving, or you might only want clitoral stimulation.
Gay people (including us lesbians) have the concept of being a top (wanting to give penetrative sex) or a bottom (wanting to receive penetrative sex). I think it would improve straight people’s sex lives to have the same thing tbh. I think some straight women probably are tops and some straight men probably are bottoms even though they’re interested in the opposite sex. If you like the idea of fucking a man with a strap-on over getting penetrated yourself, give it a go :) And if you just don’t like the idea of sex at all, you’re under no obligation to have it.
That’s a great response! I am male but don’t particularly like penetrative sex either. I much prefer to perform cunnilingus.
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I probably have vaginismus and my experience with penetration is pretty similar to yours.
Cis women do enjoy and even seek out vaginal penetrative sex, I eventually realized. Part of how I figured out I was different was reading a thread of all the weird stuff women inserted while masturbating. I was suddenly like: “Oh! They must really want something up there! Look at the stupid, dangerous stuff they’re doing to experience that!”
There are things you can do medically if you genuinely want that kind of sex, but it’s useful to remember that sex isn’t just penetration. You literally never have to be penetrated to have enjoyable sex. It can be tough to find a partner, since PIV is the end goal of sex for lots of people (as is their perogative), but the world is also full of other types of people.
As for vocalization, the “oh fuck” (doc, it’s like sandpaper ripping me in half) and “oh fuck” (I’m having an overwhelming but positive physical sensation) are pretty different kinds of yells, and generally sound pretty different. Like people don’t cry just out of sadness, you know?
Op, look into this. Vaginismus defines your symptoms. I was with a woman who had it. It affects like 5% of women, and it makes (penetrative) sex feel painful and unpleasant.
We found other ways to be intimate. Id go down on her for hours. We’d masturbate together and bring toys. We even went to sex clubs and explored other ways to get off.
To add to this, vaginismus can be as much phycological as it is medical. Having bad/painful experiences with piv sex can cause a ‘feedback loop’ making things worse. There’s also some medication that can interfere with ‘wetness’, for a lack of a better word. Lube is a godsend and can help alleviate initial pain allowing you to relax, and may be enough to start building up positive mental associations with penetrative sex. But most of all, do seek medical advice, it’s not supposed to hurt.
Also, you can ask for a smaller speculum when going for a pap smear, - I didn’t know that and had a horrid experience that stopped me going for my next one for nearly a decade. (I’m better at self advocating these days)
Yes, women in general enjoy sex, and not because they like pain (although some like that too, but that’s not relevant to your post). I’ve had the feeling of penetration described to me like a very satisfying pressure, no pain involved at all.
See your doctor. Your vagina can dilate far enough to give birth, the average penis should (taking into account enough foreplay, arousedness and no medical or anxiety issues) really not hurt.
Vaginismus, Endometriosis, Stress, Anxiety, not enough natural lubrication or the need for dilatation are the most common issues, but there are other less common things that can lead to pain. Nearly all of them can be overcome, especially if you have a partner worth keeping.
NEVER let anyone gaslight into thinking your pain isn’t real or no big deal. Pain is a very complex reaction that consists of a sensory input and the interpretation in your brain as painful - noone can decide for you what should or shouldn’t hurt. I was a long time chronic pain patient, and after the surgeons told me that they couldnt do anymore for me and the painkillers didn’t help, i was able to slowly rewire my brain with the help of a fantastic physical therapist. i had been in pain for so long that my brain simply interpreted every sensory input in the affected body parts as pain.
If i was able to get rid of the pain that was crippling me for years, you can do the same. And the sooner you start doing something against it, the easier it will be - don’t try to wait this one out.
As a bottom I can give you one rule: penetrative sex of any kind is not supposed to be painful.
If it is then there’s usually a diagnosable problem to fix. It’s not always physical it can be really spiritual. I struggle with bottoming usually because I need to like the person I’m with enough to relax, it’s called being demi-sexual.
I feel like tops of any sexuality don’t really grok how intense of an experience it is to let someone into your own body such that when they’re in they don’t know how to respect what’s in there. Sometimes it does get so intense that it comes out of your voice, sometimes for me at least it gets too intense and I’m not sure if it feels good or bad so I need my top to slow down and let me figure out how things got rearranged.
Lastly, porn recorded by total nobodys on a webcam or iPhone is just barely grazing the boundary of reality. So if you’re not vocal, you don’t scream, then you just don’t like that just not you.
Have you had pleasure from other types of stimulation, other than penetrative?
