I have changed my work teams twice now and happened twice now. First I just thought it was one toxic guy who picked up on me and had a knack on finding bully targets. Then, I have changed teams away from this dude and I felt I was surrounded by sane people this time but it happened again. It starts with one person making fun of me and others start to pick it up.
I’m not sure what it is that I’m giving away that I attract bullies so easily. I often put a smile and not make any rude jokes with coworkers. Maybe that’s the reason why?
I’ve observed one more pattern is that they act nice and normal when they’re alone with me but suddenly when we’re in a group, they start behaving in a snarky fashion towards me and find every opportunity to make fun of me. They often steal my ideas & jokes and pose them as their own too, I’m not bothered with it through as long as it doesn’t benefit them in work.
I’m not an idiot either at work that makes them think I’d be an easy target. I often do my job very well and stay up with every metric. They don’t seem to like it or try to downplay me whenever I’m in a spotlight.
I’ll be changing companies soon and I want to try to cut down on any behaviours that make me look like the doormat that I am. Any tips on how to make others respect me more? Thanks.
Stop trying to fit in and putting on fake smiles as they make you an easy target for the bullies to target when they need a punching bag and a mule to saddle with work. Bullies are like sharks, they smell your desperation to fit in, the secrets acting like you could give a fart what anyone thinks. I have done this frequently since high school and you surprisingly end up with more friends than you need due to some bizarre reverse psychology. Lastly, stop offering advice, they’ve realized they can take your ideas if they pacify you with a little attention. The truth is, do you want to keep changing your job? If not, stop trying to earn others respect and try respecting yourself.
This could be happening because of a lot of things. Do you act like a know it all? Do you overshare? Are you a highly sensitive person?
To stop being a doormat you have to start setting boundaries. This works both with yourself and others.
Yeah I’m trying to learn how to set boundaries.
First I just thought it was one toxic guy who picked up on me and had a knack on finding bully targets. Then, I have changed teams away from this dude and I felt I was surrounded by sane people this time but it happened again. It starts with one person making fun of me and others start to pick it up.
I was exactly the same when I was young. Fast forward a few decades and it is all gone.
I think it is some general lack of confidence. The (apparently) weakest one gets eaten.
Is it possible that they are giving you a playful ribbing? At every place I’ve worked you knew when you had become accepted when they started razzing you a little bit. Never anything too hurtful, at least not on purpose.
They might be waiting on you to join in and get a snarky remark in.
I often laugh over the jokes people make on me. And I try getting back at them too. I can understand that level of playful ribbing.
But if it happens too often and too mean to start to take notice. Even some of my good coworkers took notice of it too and called it out.
Your coworkers called it out but you did not. So the aggressors thought “you are fine with it.”
Social nuances are difficult to manage. When social ribbing goes to far you have to learn to set limits.
The key is to show that you are displeased with their behavior and address it immediately.
“What the hell, not cool.”
“That’s an asshole thing to say.”
“That’s not necessary.”
“That’s inappropriate”
Non-verbally you can just give them a stare, then frown, and slowly shake your head. Treat them like a naughty child getting in trouble with the teacher.
Once you communicate your limits, it sets boundaries for them to be comfortable with.
If they don’t stop. You can get much more aggressive.
“Just a moment, my lawyer wants me to write down what you say as soon as I can for the harassment lawsuit.” Said with a big innocent smile, this scares the shit out of most people.
Your coworkers called it out but you did not. So the aggressors thought “you are fine with it.”
Damn, you might be right. I have looked on it in totally different way. When people call out “hey don’t bully that guy”, I psychologically feel they’re just confirming that I’m the one on the losing end here and immediately start being defensive. I feel I’m restoring my dignity somewhat there by defending that I’m okay in that situation. I haven’t realised this until you pointed this out lol sounds so obvious.
From now on, I’ll try to aggressively latch to person coming on to aid me.
In my early 20’s (like 21-22) I worked in a work environment that is notoriously big for everyone giving each other shit at work (trades and labouring).
One thing I picked up on very fast was that you had to set those limits on how much crap you can take as a joke. It also made it really easy to know when an actual fight was about to break out because both parties would step over those lines immediately haha.
Anyway, I’ve done this at every job since and personally I’ve never had an issue with workplace bullying or anything. I swear the workplace is just the schoolyard for adults lol
Some people find difficult to set boundaries. And some other people are always testing the boundaries. When you have both types in the same group this will happen.
I’m not judging, there may be legit, or at least understandable reasons for both behaviours, it is just something I have seen often.
We need more information. What industry? Can you give us concrete examples? Are bosses in on this? What kind of projects? … I’m afraid right now we just don’t have a clear picture of anything.
Your goal sounds good, but I’m wondering if you tried the obvious things: tell them to STFU, and/or of course escalate if they don’t. It might not work, but it might.
I have difficulty in trying those obvious things you have mentioned but I have done them. Once I asked politely to shut up and when they didn’t I just walled away. But this has created a image of me being a sensitive guy with not so fun personality, a cry baby.
I can’t really avoid them at the office and the moment I got chance to move away, I did and I cut them off everywhere.
Coming to bosses, I don’t think they care about these petty issues. Even if I do, this scenario creates two things. Those bullies might plot things against me and talk ill of me everywhere. Good people can’t help but feel pity for me. Workplace becomes hell.
I work in IT sector btw.
In my company, employees are required to report harassment like you describe to HR if they see it. Repeat offenders get dealt with.
Sounds like a toxic workplace culture to me… Not sure what you can do other than try to move companies though sorry…
The good news is I’m leaving this company in 2 days.
There might have been informal information flow between your old and new team - during my school years that was the way how bullying followed me through 3 different schools. Only after switching into a completely different school type on the other end of town the bullying finally stopped.
Why so self serious?
No, I’m not. I’m pretty chill dude.
Ok. Why laugh? Are you amused? Didn’t seem like it.
Set boundaries. Don’t laugh if it’s not funny. Some people like pushing buttons… Your buttons in this case.
“That’s not funny. I don’t appreciate those kinds of comments.”
Have you tried that? Cuz usually when people stick up for themselves they don’t need other people to do it for them.
How about “Stop. I won’t tolerate this harassment.”
And body language is important here. You don’t smile. You don’t laugh. You look at them with a look of disgust and contempt. “If looks could kill.”
And then you go talk with HR. And then HR has a talk with them.
Good luck!
