I (a man with a penis) recently had my first time penetrating a vagina. I found it quite underwhelming, the sensations were there, I didn’t really struggle to orgasm (though the only position were I was able to get there was missionary where I control everything), but still I was disappointed by the sensations being 10 times weaker than what I feel by myself with a toy.
This didn’t make it a bad experience on the contrary. But the most fun part for me clearly was not the stimulation but rather the feeling of caressing her skin and her desire for me.
Am I the only one having such an experience?
Hey ! Congrats on reaching this milestone ! Here are our 2 cents on your questions.
Pleasure, especially sexual, is intensely psychological. First times are rarely optimal mentally, with performance anxiety and all around thinking going to the max. You will enjoy it more by letting go and relaxing, the both of you. This should come naturally as you both go and learn what you like and how to handle sex.
Now, this isn’t to say there is nothing to do on the physical side of things ! Contrary to popular belief, most pleasure is not “naturally there”, but learnt. Of course some areas are naturally more prone to feel it, but only by stimulation and **repetition ** does the true potential arise. Regarding the dick particularly, people with them tend to masturbate more often, and more forcefully, so when then meet a natural orifice, it can feel “lacking”, because it feels less intense from the get go. You have to learn to feel softer stimulation again, that’s all ! Also, it will help if the vagina-having partner cums before penetration (clitoral stimulation should be your go to), both for their pleasure, and for yours, because the perineum and other muscles in the area will be contracted, leading to a tighter feel. Playing with the clit while ongoing penetration should also help :)
Just a note, someone suggested backdoor for more intense feeling. This is, in our experience (MF couple), not true. A successful anal penetration (meaning one that is prepared and does not hurt at all ) is a great experience for all involved, but not more intense, just different. Actually, it may exacerbate your problem, because a relaxed ass will feel quite tight on entry, but very lax after that, while a contracted vagina will feel tight all along :)
Anyway, please have fun, explore, and most importantly, communicate with your partner(s), always !
Thank you for the help!
First times are rarely optimal mentally, with performance anxiety and all around thinking going to the max. You will enjoy it more by letting go and relaxing, the both of you.
She had already much more experience with this and said the same thing. We had sex twice and the first time it started way too fast for me I was quite anxious and didn’t really felt at ease. The next morning it was much slower I was much more able to get into it and she did too I think.
Regarding anal, yeah I might try that at some point (I already play with this by myself I know how to do it cleanly and not painfukly, and I’m bisexual so…) thanks for warning me it might be the same.
Regarding her coming first, she was really into penetration so not much shot at it. And given how long to took me to make here come after I came (hands and mouths) this seems a hard goal to reach. I’ll try that next time. I had no idea coming made vaginas thighter.
Just a few precisions ! Don’t stress it out :) while you may have felt more relaxed in the morning (that’s great !), it was only the second time, so even then you’re still in discovery and (implicitly) stressful mindset.
Even if your partner loves penetration and is into it, chances are that she will not come solely from it. We happen to both have backgrounds in bio sciences, and the stats are clear : the vast majority of women are biologically unable to come from only penetration.
As we said, clitoral stimulation before, during, and after penetration will put both of you in a better mood both mentally and physically. Again, try not to take such a stressful approach, “it took so much time”, pleasure is not compatible with pressure, quite the contrary. Take your time, learn, talk and frequently ask what you can do to make your partner enjoy herself to the fullest ! Don’t be afraid to bring toys into the mix, everybody likes different things, and some form of toys (like womanizers) provide a kind of stimulation that is not really available by other means but can work really well !
Anyways, we’ll conclude like earlier, have fun, and talk with each other as much as possible :)
The time it took was not a stress factor for me, as we were both clearly enjoying the moment, It’s just that she did not seem to be into starting slowly. This was not planned and it’s very unlikely to happen again with this woman, so we did not have anything to help besides our bodies and 2 condoms 😅
I learned a lot about myself and I think I learned a thing or 2 that will apply to other women in the future. For sure my ex girlfriend was very different (due to health issues it never got beyond the hands) so I know generalizing over every woman is to be avoided.
Thank you for the valuable advice!
We forgot to add, but the simple fact that you took time to question your feelings, and ask questions here, already shows a very positive attitude towards sexual exploration that will no doubt serve you well with any future partners of any gender :)
I’m also planning on talking about it with some friends next time we get the chance.
And to be honest I did two things that helped me a lot, I listened to a lot of les couilles sur la table and le cœur sur la table, two very good French feminist podcast that really helped me be a better person overall but also have a healthy attitude towards sexuality and I had the good idea to watch some fingering tutorials and I was able have some idea what women overall tend to like (curve the fingers up, and never stop focusing on the clitoris outside).
My partner at the end told me “hey it was your first time but you did very well not to just stop when you came most men don’t do that”. Well, thank feminist podcasts for that one 😂.
That seems interesting, we sent you a private message to discuss further :)
Looking at this reddit post it seems to suggest having the woman orgasm before penetration is not the best idea with all women.
As we said, everyone is different and enjoys different things, we’re just giving you tips based on biological data and stats as well as our personal experiences, so you have a base understanding of what might be the most probable to work, but of course there is no universal answer !
Same with me, but that’s because i had over a decade experience with my hand before sex.
Yeah that’s pretty much my case too. Only a couple of month ago did I stop using just my hand (+lube) and started using a toy (similar to a fleshlight)
Am I the only one having such an experience?
I’d say that’s pretty normal. Most people will say their first time was underwhelming, it can be awkward with lots of fumbling. The feeling of penetration is only a small part of the sex, great sex is defined by being turned on with what’s happening, and connecting with the other person(s) in the horny section.
Was it because she was well lubricated? That’s considered a good sign. You’re probably used to more friction from sources that don’t self lubricate.
As for only finishing when you’re in control, I don’t think that’s abnormal especially when you’re just getting to know someone. With more experience you’ll learn each other’s bodies.
Maybe. We didn’t use lube. She was most certainly turned-on so yes probably quite lubricated as far as natural lubrication can go.
Sadly this will be just a one night stand. While we’ll meet each other again because we know the same people, she made it clear she’s not interested in a recurring relationship with me 😔
This is a completely normal thing. Sex with a partner is vastly different from sex with a toy. The toy is designed for fast, intense gratification, while when you’re with a person, you should be focusing not just on the physical sensations but on the connection your and your partner’s bodies and minds have with each other during the act. It also seems like you’re really accustomed to controlling your own pace instead of having someone else do it, which is often the case when you’ve spent a long time masturbating and tailoring your own masturbation experience over time; your experience with sex with a person for the first time will be largely shaped by your history of solitary sexual experience up to that point, so lots of jerking it exactly the way you want it while focusing on getting the most intense orgasm possible each time will shape your expectations for sex towards that goal, so it can feel disappointing when it’s not like that.
than what I feel by myself with a toy.
Are we talking fleshlight or the vibrating kinds? Because obviously a vagina doesn’t vibrate so when you’ve conditioned yourself to that feeling, it’s no surprise you’d be disappointing.
The backdoor tends to be tighter and give a more intense feeling in my experience though.But the most fun part for me clearly was not the stimulation but rather the feeling of caressing her skin and her desire for me.
Yup that’s pretty much the most enjoyable part for most people I think.
We’re talking a non vibrating toy ( the Ben by passage du desir ). I have a vibrating one but I don’t like it that much because it’s too rigid.
The backdoor tends to be tighter and give a more intense feeling in my experience though.
Yeah maybe I’ll try that at somepoint, but this wasn’t really planned we didn’t have lube or anything to clean, I’m lucky I thought about always having condoms with me 😅. And I’m not sure most women enjoy this so 🤷
Yup that’s pretty much the most enjoyable part for most people I think.
Thank you for the confirmation.
Yeah, I feel like sex isn’t the the main dish, the main dish are the cuddles and the sex is just the spice to make it even more fun.
I imagine it takes practice to get better at it. Lowk it took me years to learn how to jerk off properly. I dont remember the first time i cummed but it was probably pretty unimpressive 🤭
Congratulations on the new experience!
Many have said clever things already, but I felt I could contribute that sex with another person doesn’t need to be in the same category as sex with yourself. Just as cooking or shopping a gift for yourself doesn’t need to be the same as for someone else.
Typically there’s a social component, enjoying eachother and oneself with that other, there might be creative collaboration, there might be inspiration, comfort, care and/or sharing. There’s a lot to explore in doing it with other people, both nice and not. Some of it might compare, either can be bad or great, but I’d argue we’d have more joy treating them as separate and discover the intentions and possibilities that make them such.
Agreed 100%.
There’s no equivalent to the cuddling and the feeling of being wanted by the other person when alone.
It’s just not the same experience at all.
You’re definitely not alone!
Our brains ans bodies have the annoying habit of getting used to a given range of sensations being in the pleasure zone. It doesn’t even have to be your first experience with a given type of sex for it to be underwhelming, because once you get into a habit, switching to anything just isn’t “right”. Getting used to vaginal, switching to masturbation can feel blah. So can anal or oral, even if they’re something you previously enjoyed with the same partner. It’s all about habituation.
Plus, if you’re circumcised, that can cause sensitivity issues that amplify the issue.
So don’t worry. If you’re going to be with your partner repeatedly, all you’ll need to do is lay off toy use for a while as you adapt. Then you’ll start perceiving the sensations more, or discover ways to improve sensations.
Even then though, it’s not unusual to have to be the one controlling things to really enjoy every stroke. There’s a lot to be said in favor of a partner doing the moving, but the truth is that the purely physical pleasure levels are mostly going to require the ability to vary speed, force, depth, and other factors to be maximized for one person. Just be aware that if that’s the way every session works, it could end up as bad sex for one or both parties. Probably will tbh, and especially so for the receiving party unless that’s their preference.
For real though, you don’t necessarily have to pull tricks to “tighten” a vagina (or anus for that matter, because if a partner is into anal, the muscles there relax during the process) to have pleasure, you just have to get used to the difference. Tighter doesn’t mean better, just more intense. It can be helpful to bridge the gap while you’re adapting, and if you’ve got significant changes to your penis; but even then tight isn’t automatically the path to pleasure.
I never use toys, probably have a high stimulation threshold and need to “take a break” or ween of the toys.
Or just have sex more and lay off the toys
Or just have sex more and lay off the toys
Thanks very helpful.
Lol the rest of my comment just gets ignored
